It hasn't been a great morning at all. Had 4 hours of sleep only. Woke up early with a splitting headache. I am hosting some of my nieces from Sarawak over at my place as there will be a cousin's wedding this two days.
In my earlier blog posting on PMS, I mentioned about my eruption! Finally, it did at 12pm today.....contributed by my headache, noisy and naughty Haziq who was just testing my patience since last night. and a conversation I had with my other half. I have to be careful with my choice of words....I have to be careful with rewording my intention....bottomline, I just have to shut up! Like a malay saying " Marahkan nyamuk, kelambu di bakar!"
I cried a while ago after canning Haziq. Did I use Haziq as a channel to release my anger for all the things that was building in me. I only wanted to give him one stroke as a punishment...I ended up screaming and whacking him hard. Poor boy was helpless and hysterical. I am helpless myself too. For the last two days, my ears was filled with complaint from the maid and sister about his naughtiness and back home, he was full of excuses on his actions. He is just being a 4 year old boy.....
I am overly upset now with my actions.....yes, my actions were triggered by something out there. Being a single parent is just too taxing for me. There are pressures everywhere on how I discipline my kids. I have been told many times. Seems like I will just go into a quicksand mode soon. I had to make sure the household are run properly and adequately, I had to take care of the kids basic needs, discipline them and yet look after my own needs which I tend to put aside.... it's a heartless morning setting for me....just have no heart to do anything now...
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