A very emotional day for me today....so much build up in my heart and mind and I only wish I can pen them down easily but hell yeah... it's will be a long thought and effort to carefully share them here. At all angles, it's just not looking good. From the routine weekend stay arrangements, the kids and their perpetual noise, the preparation for the big day, my endless piling work, the adult chemistry ...its just not working to my way. I feel suicidal at certain times but I know that is just a passing feeling coz I am damn determined to live for my kiddos and see them grow. Even if I don't feel suicidal but if God decides to end my life quick, I wish I die knowing for sure that I'm being appreciated and love as a person, as a friend, as an employee, as a sister, as a daughter and more importantly as a partner...it's always good to know your worth sometimes. I just can't write more for now..it's all so messy up there...I just pray to god to show me the right way...for now I am still not sure. 

Mrs Body Beautiful Wanna Be...

Thanks to Q and R, my two anonymous fun exercise buddies...I walked to the office today like as if I just walked out of labour ward giving birth to triplets....I had a great Sunday morning workout with these two enthusiast friends of mine, who at 6am on a cold Sunday morning started sending "wats app" text to one another, making sure all "rise and shine" geared to the morning work out...

I struggled out of bed that Sunday morning at 7 am after having a long Saturday night which ended at 2am...Left home at 750am and arrived slightly past 8 when I saw Q jumping "passionately" to the aerobics instructor's move in the class, all the pretentious initial move! LOL! ...After about an hour or so, three of us "panchit" and it didn't end there...we continued with our "pilates". Instructor commented we "play cheat" because the stretch band that our dear Q bought is the easiest and the average strength compared to the ones the rest  were using.... Thank God it was the average strength that we used, else, I will be bedridden today....

The muscle in me is pulling all over as I typed this now...I couldn't laugh, sneeze, cough because it feels like an major operation stitch is gonna tear...I walked very slowly, tiptoed in my heels (vanity sake) and walked like I moon walked out of the labour & delivery ward. I couldn't drive well and  couldn't turned my neck to check on the blind spots....I guessed I over stretched my whole anatomy....

I am serious to have that body (not that skinny "deal or no deal number 13" model type! yucks) ...and so is Madam Q and so is Madam R..... Q will want to sashay in her one piece bikini in TBC or for Al-Macallan and R will just be contend to sashay for ZeeBrator.... (private joke)

However, this excruciating pain and aches will not stop my determination to go for the next class which is the Body Sculpt with weight training ....hmmmm watch out world, the next Mrs Body BIULtiful will be out soon...check out the curves peeps!

Singing the Blues....

Yes.... I am having the BLUES now. Every Sunday morning, my blood will slowly change its colour from a  warm red to purplish blue.....at this hour, its at its best blue... I had in my last post stated how I wished I do not have to work. I still do have that sentiment. Don't be mistaken though... I love what I do. I love my colleagues. I love my company but I am just feeling the tiredness of it now. My boss left to do something better and that left me to do what she left behind. It's been two weeks and things are just picking up at a very high pace that I am all over the place and feeling so messy. I am not messy in my work but to juggle with my own responsibilities and having to shoulder additional tasks is just.....too much. 

How I wish now for a billionaire husband who can just feed me and the little ones, I am so damn tired of working, it has been a long 14 years of labour ..... For now, I really think...

On Strike

I realized I don't want to work anymore. I look at the people around me working 9-5 ... they don't even get to enjoy the day, because they are stuck in an office, or running around. Time differs by decade. Life is so challenging , whether it is fun,  easy, hard, or anything else, is based on how each choose to perceive it and your attitude about it. For me, I just need a break from work. I have not had any holiday this year (last year this time, I had 3 vacations, BKK, PER & Bali). It is crazier this year because of the extra responsibility that I have to shoulder in the office.Tell you more....

I have my ways of dealing with it ...

Half oxygen temporarily gone,,,

Feeling so down now.....wish someone stays. The next 8 days will be hard to...

Daddy's Girl

Alhamdulilah ...My parents and bro Fad arrived home safely from their 10 days pilgrimage this evening....my emotions were moved when I saw my dad....he looked fragile and frail...his eyes were covered with tears when he hug all the family members that welcomed them back at the airport....I really wish I could hug him tight and tell him how much I love him ....guess it's just the distance over the years that held me back from doing that ...nonetheless, my parents are still my 1st love in my life....

I grew up very close with my dad because I was the youngest and the only girl in the family. Daddy's girl. That 's me. Yup ...every sunday morning, we both would take a walk to the Marine Terrace market and have our favourite breakfast "Wak Nakem Nasi Sambal Goreng" with the yummy sotong sambal...after all these years, I still patron that stall and it's still my dad's favourite breakfast. Both my parents were secondary school teachers and I always had to make trips to their school for their school events and they would showcase me to their colleagues....Instead I had their male students chasing after me....hehehe that gave my parents headache. My three elder brothers  policed me growing up ...I tend to be rebellious when that happened...still is anyway. I would say that I had a good and proper upbringing, getting anything  I want. I went to good schools and had good circle of friends....nothing was short. I never was the snobbish, proud  or arrogant girl people thought I would be ...I would say that I grew up becoming a fine lady with great accomplishment.....and now being a mother of 3, I just have to watch that cycle do its gracious rounds.

Well..all I wanted to say is ...I am a great fan of family values. I love having a complete happy loving family. A family that looks after one another and laugh together. Some people would not see it that being my way especially with what I went through the last 2 years....the kids are growing up now without the full time presence of a father...I am the sole support for their emotions, well and mental being ....I want to give them what my parents provided me. A healthy, happy family benefits our whole society, makes the world a happier place to stay....most important, I want to ensure the kids are equipped with survival skills and good moral ethics,. not forgetting instilling  good religious faith in them...but I can't do it all alone in the long run ....I am already feeling so burnt out now. Thank God my family members are all behind me else I would have just given up long ago. That is why I love my family, they know when to be there when I need them and they know when to pace out when they feel it's my own call... In this battle of just keeping up....I just hope and pray that there's really light at the end of the tunnel. I really don't know but I do know and  I hope not to make any more wrong choices in life...And for now, I just want to keep on praying for my beloved dad's good health..